It’s like drowning but you just won’t fucking die.
I have learned something today that I know will change me forever. It is said that one should live as if looking at an artwork on a canvas. The world and everyone else is the canvas and you are the person looking at it. You can touch it and feel it as if you were in it but that’s the closest you could get. And no matter how hard you try, you an never get in.
I saw myself as that person looking through the artwork and I realize that as a viewer I can only do so much. I can only imagine to be a part of somebody’s world and I can act like it- but I can never be in it and I can never belong.
All along I felt like I never belonged to any group of people because I knew I was different. I was different because I had this monster inside me that’s eating me alive and making me think that I can’t do anything to be important or to just matter. This monster has been living in me for so long that I’m starting to believe it. I’m starting to believe that I’m just bound to be eaten alive and to die eventually.
I’m having such a hard time looking for colleges and courses because I don’t think I deserve any of it. I don’t deserve to have a future because to other’s I’m just some light on a 100 story building or maybe I’m just a stranded taxi cab in a traffic jam. I’m different- yes but I’m just as lost as the thousands of balloons up in the air with nowhere to go.
I’m not certain of anything at all but I’m certain that I’m sad and that there’s no one to run to or to hide from but myself. I’m all alone in this world and there’s no one to keep me company because it’s either they get tired of my own shit or they have their own fucking shit to deal with. One way or another- I get hurt and I’m left on the floor picking up my own pieces as another day passes by.
i feel lost. it’s like falling into a cliff in slow motion and realizing you’ve fallen when you’re already dead. everything’s just a fucking routine and it sucks. it sucks because you were brought up in this cruel world believed to be wonderful but you can’t explore it. you’re just stuck in the four corners of your room, made to believe that you could only do so much but in reality, you could make the impossible.
i’ve always known that what people say about the future is bullshit. there’ll definitely be no future unless you live now. i don’t care if i’ll live in a dumpster 20 years from now. all i care about is that i was happy and i felt that i was able to make myself feel okay for once. fuck everyone and their judgemental thoughts. the hell i care.